As humans we have the tendency to look outwards when we face trouble of some sort of the other – we look to assign blame to others in order to heal our own wounds. Friends who lie to us, family who hurt us, the devil – anyone other than ourselves can pretty much shoulder the guilt for what we feel inside.
Because so long as we are not the ones to blame, we can move on without really having to address the possibility that it’s something in us that is wrong. That something in us was perhaps broken somewhere that needs to be mended – or that perhaps we are the perpetrators of our own pain, that we are our own victims. Perhaps we have been walking around while bleeding internally from one incident or the other, and these open wounds are causing us more external complications than we could even begin to fathom.
I am beginning to understand that I can be my own demon. That it is what is on the inside of me – fear, doubt, insecurity, shame – that does me the most harm. That it is by the mere existence of these weapons that anyone has the ability to hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally. And it is not that where these things come from is of no consequence – one cannot even begin to treat a wound without understanding how it came about or was inflicted – but I’m talking about recognizing that it is what is already damaged on the inside of me that influences what happens around me: how I see the world, how I interact with people, how I react to situations, what I see when I look in the mirror.
The Insecurity inside me makes it so I see what is a helping hand as pity.
Doubt makes it so that I see an opportunity as an impossibility.
Shame makes it so I see what God created as beautiful to be inadequate
Fear makes it so that I build walls to stop myself from being hurt instead of breaking them down.
Like Paul, I now understand that I can be my own worst enemy.